me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie
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My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
*having an ultrasound*
dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..
patient: omg what!?
dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.
patient: intruder?
dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU
nurse: umm i think she is having twins?
dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.
Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?
Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers
Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17
“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.
[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR