Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh
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Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.
[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.
Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?
Wife: he gives me no privacy
Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true
1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
Dog 911: what’s ur emer-
Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME
Dog 911: so?
Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE
Dog 911: OMG
Dog: OMG
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*
*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”