ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
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My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice
Me too 😆
me the second it drops below 70 degrees
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away
Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.
My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?
Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*
I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level
Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends