ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
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HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.
Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”
Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”
Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston
Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.
Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
I hate when people say, “Don’t worry about the things you can’t control.”
UMMMMM……HELLO!!
That’s exactly what I’m worried about!!
Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them
As a woman I personally am looking forward to aging. I seriously cannot wait to use my senior discount at the diner, dye my white hair the same pink as Frenchie from Grease, & put tennis balls on my walker. I’m just gonna be so good at being old.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
*Being seated at a restaurant*
Hostess: Would you like a table or a booth?
Husband: Table
Me: I guess I’ll take the booth then
[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
HR: Well?
Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot
HR:
Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye
HR:
Me: can I have my bra back?