ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
You Might Also Like
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.
dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.
If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
No, I don’t think I will.
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it
me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out
[45 mins later]
camera man: should we see other stuff now?
me: *out of breath* no
Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.
‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
WIFE: I can’t believe you slept with my twin thinking it was me
ME: Cut me some slack – he was wearing your perfume
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight