Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.
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I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife
I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.
This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.
Me: It’s 6 am.
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.