ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes
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Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.
It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’
I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over
COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.
FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong