ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No
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Living the best life.. 😊
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Me: I’m hot.
Husband: *turns on AC*
Me: I’m cold.
H: *turns off AC*
Me: I’m hot.
H: *jumps out of car*
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
[Grocery Store]
Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?
Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
Me: How did my surgery go
Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear
Me:
Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off
*Organizing closet*
Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?
Me: Oh, just put it with the others.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
Guantanamo Bae
I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window
Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.