#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
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Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
accurate
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
Can’t. About to go please some beans
I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be
When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me
Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*