[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*
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My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here
My husband and I made appointments for pedicures and when we got to the salon the person assigned to him is a guy and watching my husband awkwardly try to act like he isn’t enjoying his foot rub is giving me life.
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies
My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water
I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)