I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
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wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:
1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
The French word for sex is croissant.
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470
SON: So cats don’t have much taste
CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.