Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
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The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
My guardian angel deserves a raise
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Time zones are amazing! Here in New Zealand it’s tomorrow, in America it’s yesterday and in North Korea it’s 1980.
Children of the corn 🌽
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
iron man: it’s not gonna work
me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel
thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down