Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
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Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
[first day in a new house]
Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home
Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit
If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁
Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
socratic questions
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”
me: I need to get this framed
optometrist: just say you need glasses
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
A collection of me turning into random objects.
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
*power walks to the refrigerator*
Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.
Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.