Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
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My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
[Record Shop]
Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?
Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.
Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.
Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.