Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
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My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*
Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.
Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!
*general murder sounds*
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”
One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless personI don’t like to talk about it
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
Hamburger Hinderer.
If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.