Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
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Would you wear it?
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.
6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?
Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it
Duck *holding gun* good answer
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’
Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’
Therapist: ‘Really?’
Me: ‘No.’
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
5: Can you cut off the skin?
Me: What?
5: *holds up sandwich* the skin
M: The crust?
5: yeah
M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.
My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”