Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
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INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese
Put this video in the Louvre
me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?
coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night
“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here
*me flirting
*phone rings*
Girlfriend: Hello.
Me: Hi, baby.
GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!
M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.
GF: No, you told me.
M:
GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?
M: Are they available?
My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.
Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.
Not today, today.
Not today.
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
#Thanos #MondayMood
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
[texting]
Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?
Her: too long, didn’t read
Me: oh ffs you too?
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?
Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”
[at the pearly gates]
I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.