ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager
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Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
Why is this me 😫
ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.
WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.
ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*You looked a little sickly.
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us
Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.
Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
Hello, my name is Pierre.
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.