ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
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God: so you shoot them with the arrows
Cupid: yes
God: and then they fall in love
Cupid: right
God: with other compatible people
Cupid: uh well-
God: who will love them back
Cupid:
God:
Cupid: sure
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?
I would’ve loved to have been a detective during the era when people’s watches always stopped at the exact second they were murdered. These days it’s all CCTV and social media. Bring back corpse watches.
[restaurant]
ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday
WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house
ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or
To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.
Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.
*3 running a brush through my hair*
3: I’m making your hair pretty
Me: Thank you
3: instead of so ugly
Me:
*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth
YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…
Oh
The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music