it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind
You Might Also Like
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
{If autocorrect was a person}
ME: I think that’s right.
AUTOCORRECT: It’s not.
ME: Then what is it?
AUTOCORRECT: I don’t know, dude. Aubergine?
ME: You think I meant aubergine?
AUTOCORRECT: Look, I know literally all of the words, and that was none of them. Maybe this is on you.
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”
Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.
It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
All. The. Damn. Time.
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.
Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”
My boss calls me “The computer”
Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.