me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see
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Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
[therapy]
ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me
PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
I like it thick and deep
Pizza
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room
I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.
Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.