me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see
You Might Also Like
They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.
I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.
one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them
I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong
DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
ROMANTIC WATER.
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Son:
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
“you changed” bro i was 15
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”
me at a restaurant
waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you
As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
Great acting.. 😂