Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!
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I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.
Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past
The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
[later]
duck: quick
me: I see
when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
Creating horror must be hard because there aren’t horror open mics to try out scary ideas. Where you go up like, “uhhh, what if it’s dark and you hear a baby cry, and you turn on a light and it’s actually a spider?” And your buddy’s like, “hey man, I thought it was pretty scary.”
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
Me: Grandma you are 92 and have heart disease you cannot let ppl in your house
Gma: Ok I can cancel the piano lessons
Me: What about the housekeeper
Gma: Already talked to her
Me: and the lady that comes to do your hair
Gma: Oh now you’re talking crazy
The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
I’m doing the lords work (judging)
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
Why is vanilla a synonym for boring? Vanilla is delicious. Imagine a world without vanilla. It would be so oregano.
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it