Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
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There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.
My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!
*hyperventilates*
*vomits*
Me: It’s for the dog.
8: Oh. Can I have a snack?
It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”
me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
[interrogation]
ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face
COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer
I think about this a lot
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.
my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met
Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause
WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet