My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
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Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.
Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!
God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.
Angel: Never mind, go ahead.
Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
This did not end as expected.
superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?
batman:
superman:
batman:
superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?
batman: yep
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”
If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.
*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
Thanks for following.
I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?