Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
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I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
me: wheres the 13th floor?
builder: we skip it in all our buildings
me: what why
builder:
me:
builder: *embarrassed* too spooky
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.
Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.
Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.
Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?
Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?
A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant
M: Oh you naughty minx!
1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?
Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
Before countdowns were invented:
*6:30 at Chili’s*
Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?
When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?
dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you
me: not now, dad
dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?
me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn
dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps