Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.
Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.
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“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]
I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup
THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.
[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya
Lmaoo 😂
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
The Weeknd is back
Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!
ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.