Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
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*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*
Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
[Shopping for Deodorant]
I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.
tourist season
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?
Me: it means active at night.
Daughter: like Batman?
Me: yes like Batman.
Daughter: dada?
Me: yes?
Daughter: am I nocturnal?
Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.
Daughter: am I Batman?
Me: what?
Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.
VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.
I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
Werent we promised soylent green by now?
I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.
One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.