Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min
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Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
What I say: Be ready, we are leaving in five minutes.
What the child hears: Get undressed. Start finger painting. Lose at least one shoe.
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
Dear Middle School,
How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?
Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.