ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
ME: you haven’t even hired me yet
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
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You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.
My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
Me: I’m depressed
Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA
Me: How will that help?!
Doctor: Who’s a good boy?
Me: I AM
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
Seth Rogen: Hey man, I’m bored
James Franco: Ok fine, we’ll make another movie
SR: Oh do we have a new script?J: [Laughs in James Franco]
S: [Laughs in Seth Rogen]
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
INTERVIEWER: What?
ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.
[interrogation room]
me: tell us
criminal: he’ll kill me if i do
me: you’re making my partner very angry
my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]
criminal: i-
me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry
[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no
Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds