Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.
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If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
Romeo and Juliet is not a love story. It’s a 3-day relationship between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that cause 6 deaths.
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…
Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!
Boss:
Me:
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.
If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
Her:
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her:
Me: I’m in trouble.
Her:
Me:Bad?
Her:
Me: Bad
Her:
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Her:
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
There’s no “u” in narcissist
DOCTOR: you have leprosy
ME: *lmao*
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
[Veterans Hospital]
GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?
ME: Haha, well…interesting story
*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?