Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?
Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?
Me:
Host:
Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?
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Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
genie: you can’t wish for more wishes
me: okay, i wish for the best contract lawyer in the world
genie: okay weird but *poof* here’s alan
me: hey alan, find some loophole in this genie’s bylaws that gets me more wishes
alan: *to genie* this is the fifth time this month
*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
If only.
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
wtf is a larm clock?
[first day as a getaway driver]
ME: how did I do
BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there
You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?