ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
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oh shit
I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.
It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
Namaste
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.
Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…
[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]
“Oh peas no!”
[WHAP]
“Why u bean like this?”
[SMACK]
“Don’t u carrot all?”
[CRACK]
walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees
yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.“Wow,” she says.
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.
4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌
[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…
My octopus can beat up your octopus.
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*“Lets do this.”
Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
[2052 pre-apocalypse]
Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world
Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:
1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable