ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING
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Then: I will never lie to my children
Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
Me: Im still mad at you for last night
Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous
You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
People say they’re gung-ho about saving the environment, but propose reusing toilet paper at a city council meeting one time and suddenly global warming’s “not that big of a deal” and “you’re not welcome here”
[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*
I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.
I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
mob boss: i need u take out the rat
[later]
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
rat: what
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.
Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.