ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
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The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
Staring out into the horizon..
Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic
[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]
Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da
Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-“Honey, you’re wrong.”
Brain: I give up.
I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
4: mommy, I don’t like you.
Me: why, what did I do??
4: *gives me a huge hug*
Me: uh
4: I only love grandma
Me: what is happening
Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.
Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.