ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
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Producer: This is a complete ripoff of Sesame Street.
Me: How so?
Producer: For starters, it stars puppets you refer to as “Moppets” named Large Bird, Herman the Toad, The Archduke, Alma, and Kurt & Arnie. And you call it…?
Me: Poppy Seed Blvd.
Producer: Get out.
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
BaD BoY!!
Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21