ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*
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People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.
Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.
Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”
And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..
i wish we could shoplift online
*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*
Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”
Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.
If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”
[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say
I just died 😂😂😂😂😂