Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.
Middle age: Hold my beer.
Me: What?
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this is funnier than any friends episode
things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves
My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.
OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 😋
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.
Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.
Take charge of your life and get a home tattoo kit from Amazon. Do you really want a stranger drawing anything permanent on your body?!
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
Now this is how you LinkedIn
Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.
[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper
Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT
Autocorrect always tries to correct JFC to KFC. Because who doesn’t naturally scream about fried chicken, when being somewhat flabbergasted or expressive in posts?
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”
suspect: what?
lawyer: no further questions your honor