Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!
HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall
Me: that was unclear
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Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose
*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.
Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.
Then I know.
[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING
it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
Thinking about having kids?
Buy a plant.
If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl