Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.
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Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.
People of my generation are always saying that they are shocked how little role quicksand plays in their lives, but I gotta tell you, knowing the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite has not proved to be as critical as I expected either.
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
Me: Please throw your trash away.
Child: I’m too tired!!
Same child 5 min later: [does nonstop super sprints at the park for 3 plus hours]
Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
*meets girl for coffee*
*sets down blueprints for bank*
“What’s this?”
Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime
I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.
All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.
Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time