Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
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me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.
So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!
Me: Go ahead.
Waiter: Huh?
Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.
Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy
Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.
Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!
Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.
ME: Hi mirror
BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
[seductively takes off mom jeans]
Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—
Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]
Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above
My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!