Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
You Might Also Like
*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.
getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”
[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*
Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
Broom by every window for quick escape.