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Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.
And not ONE ab to show for it.
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
Your secret is safeish with me
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.
I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.
Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own