Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
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Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.
Spider-Man: I climb like a spider and shoot webs to prevent crime!
Ant-Man: I shrink to the size of an ant to defeat enemies!
Cowboy: I uh
Spider-Man: Go on!
Cowboy *quietly* I have 4 stomachs
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
Me: The door’s locked
Salt: Push it
Me: It’s locked
Pepa: Push it
Me: That won’t work, think of something else
Salt:
Pepa:
Salt:
Pepa:
Both: Push it real good?
FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes
ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!
Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.
[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere
If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…
… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao
I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.
After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.
What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.
Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
eggs benadryl
Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year