Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it
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if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
[Sonic]
Me: … and 17 orders of tater…
Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
[in Batmobile]
Superman: Hey
Batman: Sup?
S: Promise you won’t be mad?
B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!
“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”
Husband: I’d rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.
Me: Wait. I’m getting my own room???
God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
Frog: “ribbit”
God: “haha, alright man”
I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.
[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO
Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.
Captain’s Log:
Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.