Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
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When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”
Neighbors had a DJ and massive sound system in their back yard, played until after midnight. They are going to love what I’m doing at 6am tomorrow.
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.
me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one
customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon
me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”
Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
Me: Yes and No.
PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
Gen X kids never wanted to come home. Modern teenagers never want to leave the house.
Gen X parents of teens are basically feral dogs raising housecats.
Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted