Me: Just one more hit. I need it.
Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.
Me: *hits snooze button*
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LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.
even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’
‘God given talent’ is a weird idea.
God: “Hmmm, I’ll give it to that kid and let the other millions work in data entry.”
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
[first mma fight]
me: Pikachu I choose you!
Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle
me: *throws rat taped to a taser*
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
nurse: time of death
doctor: 4:19—
[i take one last breath]
doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot
He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist