Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
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Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
ODE TO TWITTER
🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do thatALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?
Shoe repair guy: so what happened?
[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]
Me: I stepped in a..puddle
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
Shoutout to everyone who remembers the days before satnavs, when you’d go to visit someone on the outskirts of London and 4 hours later you’d pass Big Ben for the 2nd time while screaming
5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.
Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it
Her: idk google it
Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting
Her: *googling DIY annulment*