me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
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HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir
[emergency]
[super hero appears]
GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!
HERO: I…I don’t know
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…
[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
[in bed]
Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you
I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?