me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
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i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind
[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
Ever get up, put the dogs out, unclog the overflowing toilet the wife left for you, get dressed for work, let the dogs in and then wake up in the easy chair and find you’re 20 minutes late?
Just me?
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
Is this a threat?
Mornin
[building on fire]
ME: If we die here I just want you to know I’ve always liked you Gary
CO-WORKER: I guess now is a good time to tell you I ate your lunch out of the fridge on Thursday
ME: I knew it [stands up] STOP THE SIMULATION
ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway